Wednesday, 2 August 2017

A love letter to myself

First of all, asshole, cut yourself some slack. You don't need to be first in line to tear yourself down. Please trust those who are important to you to be honest with you. You have done a thorough job of culling the people from your inner circle who do not value you, who take and never give, and who generally seem ambivalent about your continued existence.

You are good people and the folks you've kept around recognize that because you've been putting effort in to making sure they know you love them. Trust them to love you back. Trust them to support you when your brain is on fire. Trust them to offer kindness and soft places to land when your mental health and circumstances have you rolling around on broken glass.

It's ok if they disappoint you. It's ok if they're not psychic or don't have the immediate, innate, ingrained, or practiced skills to support you in just the way you want. Give them more to work with. Let them try again. Let them be human and don't let their inexperience with support be proof that you do not deserve and will never receive the support you want. Not getting it and not asking for it hurts either way. Ask for it. Keep asking. It's ok. These are the people you are close to. If they are unable to provide it, trust them to tell you. And if you can't verbalize all that you want, and feel disappointed in the results because they're not psychic, remember to have compassion. For them for not knowing this path. For yourself for continuing to seek it out.

You are on a terrifying path of loving and allowing yourself to be loved. Of truly, actually being vulnerable and sincere. This is a brave path to take. It's ok to acknowledge your own courage. It's ok to be open about the fact that this kind of love is scary and challenging and requires a lot of effort. It takes nothing away from the results to honour those pains. It's a sign of your own growth and maturity that you aren't try to hide your struggles out of misplaced shame or humility. Take pride in making conscious efforts to make the folks you love feel good about themselves. Take pride in moving just far enough beyond your insecurities to let people love you.

You are in this with yourself forever. Practice the love and compassion you project and be gentler with yourself.