Got this analogy on lock-down

*CONTENT WARNING FOR SLUT-SHAMING & VIOLENCE*

Guess what time it is, folks? It's time for another installment of "That's not how that works".

I don't know what they're teaching kids in biology these days (or English, because these analogies are fecking terrible), but I've heard the following slut-shaming explanation quite a few times:

“If a key can open a bunch of locks, it’s viewed as a master key and is awesome to have. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, well that’s a pretty shitty lock if you ask me.”

If we're talking about passwords and password-cracking software or encryption technologies like WEP vs WAP, or physical, tangible locks like what I put on our case that gets sent off to Iron Mountain every day, then yes. The above analogy is quite apt. It is much easier to crack a WEP-encrypted password than WAP or WAP2, so WEP makes for a mighty crappy lock/security measure.

If, however, we're just talking about an object's ability to fit into other objects, then that's where this analogy falls apart.

Let's say I am holding a little salad fork. Where can this fork go?
- in a jar of pickles
- up my nose
- in an electrical socket
- in the dishwasher
- into a lasagne

It fits into (or will make a hole into, as in the case of the lasagne) any of those things. Does that mean it functioned as a key? Negatory.

If the "penis is a key" and "vagina is lock" analogy is going to work, then this would be a more accurate representation of the bio-relationship between the two:

You're welcome. 

This witty blogger has their own satirical take on this analogy:

I’m not a misandrist, but let me put it this way: if a pencil has been in loads of pencil sharpeners, it’s probably a short pencil that wears out really quickly and should be thrown away! But if a pencil sharpener has sharpened lots of pencils, it must be a pretty good pencil sharpener.

Hahahahahahahaha.. heh... aheheh... oh, man. Hmmm. Dang it. Stabbing Westward was right. I have become the thing I hate

.
 But seriously, kids, people are not inanimate objects and genitals cannot be accurately analogized as such. It's disrespectful, it's dishonest, and it really just doesn't work that way. At all.

To offset the gif from The Thing, here's some lolcats and MST3K.