To correct this injustice, I'm going to take a crack at that list:
- Menstruating - ick! Lock that shit up, ladies
- Farting - sttoooooppppp!!!! BLARGHUGHJKH!!!!!
- Belching - what is this, a frat house? COME AWN!!!
- Drinking beer - leads to the above (although not sure about menstruating, but I'm sure it doesn't help)
- Wearing grannie panties - amirite, ladies? No man will ever love you if you dont' spend your days being sliced in two by ass floss
- Cellulite - if you truly loved your body and the mens, you wouldn't let this happen. It's just downright disrespectful.
- Pooping - this can be easily resolved by not consuming solids. Come on, ladies. Priorities!
- Getting fat - icky! See above
- Being hairy - shave everything below the hairline, including eyebrows. They can be pencilled back on, so what's the biggie? And don't let anyone touch you when you have stubble anywhere. That's just mean.
- Getting old - this is the most dastardly trick of all. No more luring men in when you're 20 and having the audacity to turn 30, ladies. It doesn't just make your face and body ugly, it makes your soul ugly.
There. I hope I've improve your lives by dropping this knowledge on y'all.