1. When I ask you to log off, don't shut down, I mean log off, DON'T SHUT DOWN. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, LOG OFF! DON'T SHUT DOWN!
"Ok, and now please click the Start button, and select 'log off', don't shut down."2. Don't call me honey or darlin or sweetie or any other pet name. I'm not your girlfriend or your daughter. In fact, I'm not your friend, and your patronizing labels make me want to disable your accounts. I know your passwords, I those I don't know I can reset and then forward all your private emails to your boss.
"Did you log off?"
"Oh. No, I just shut down."
3. Hair dryer. Electric kettle. An ancient power bar that has a space heater attacked to it. Things that don't belong plugged into the power bar and sitting atop your computer. Please stop doing this. My heart can't take it.
4. This is not your personal computer. It belongs to the company and when you take your laptop home and visit sites our firewall can't protect you from and lose your data because of an infestation of viruses, this isn't IT's fault for not being able to fix it. It's your fault for being a bigger idiot than we can compensate for. Either stop doing that or own it.
5. Yes, I know a lot about computers. No, I don't know how to fix your PlayStation. No, that doesn't make me bad at my job, because my job doesn't require me to fix PlayStations. It makes you an idiot for assuming IT tech=omniscient. Do you ask your dentist to take a look at your eyes? Yes? Gawd, you're an idiot. Please, just stop.
6. You know those fluorescent sticky notes you have plastered all over your monitor with all your user names and passwords written on them? Other people can see them, too. Including the people we don't want to have access to our systems, which is the reason for having passwords in the first place. If you can't remember them and need to write them down, please at least make it a challenge to find.
7. Yes, I'm going to have to poke around in your computer to search for the file you say you lost. No, kidding about child porn isn't funny and doesn't diffuse the tension. It just makes you sound like a ginormous asshole and puts you on my mental watchlist.Congratulations, I now think you're a criminal.
8. Do you work in IT? Have you ever worked in IT? Could you distinguish a floppy drive from a stick of RAM? No? Then stop asking me "am I sure" when I tell you what the problem is. You might have more credibility if you didn't have sticky notes with your passwords all over your computer and if you hadn't just asked me if I could fix your PlayStation. Seriously.
But, when all is said and done, I've got to say that it's not all that bad. If the users had more of an idea of what they were doing, I might not be so gainfully employed. So, rock on with your bad(at computers) selves, and keep calling me every morning to reset your passwords because the maid tossed out your sticky notes. It's ok. I'll pretend it happens to everyone and make sure the door is closed when I snicker about it to my coworkers.